Christmas blues

Well I was three days late, and then I AF showed her ugly face. Merry christmas to me. and then today, i accidently killed my kitten because she snuck under the rocking chair.. its been a rough day.

Nervous.. but so far nothing new

Well, AF hasn't arrived yet and I am on CD 26. AF is due in 2 days and I am sincerely hoping she doesn't show her ugly face. I am going to keep my fingers crossed but right now.. its a toss up. I have no serious signs that make me think I am pregnant, but also I have no serious signs that tell me I can't be pregnant. I am on christmas break from school and so right now I am just wondering, and waiting. If I am pregnant, my due date would be approximately August 31 2012. How awesome would that be. Ugh.. my fingers and toes are crossed, and I am hoping for the best and praying for the best.

crazy dreams

Well.. things are going great but dang I have been having some crazy dreams. I am on cd 18 so I don't think it could be actual pg symptoms, but I feel like its one of those months that my mind is playing as many tricks on me as possible. Which means if I end up getting dear AF, I am going to be more dissapointed than ever. I had a dream the other night that I had a baby boy named PJ and he was so cute and when i woke up, i just wanted to go back to bed because my dreamed seemed better than reality. I hate when that happens. Nothing else has really been going on worth mentioning. I have lost a total of eleven pounds and seem to be slipping up more than before because of the dang christmas cookies my mom and aunt have sitting on their counter all of the time. AF is expected to arrive in 9 days and I keep praying she doesnt... we shall see :(

Chilly out!

Well it is truly hard to believe that it is December 8th already because there is still no snow on the ground! I don't even know what to think. They flooded the ice rinks in town yesterday but ice skating just doesn't feel the same without any snow! (not that I would be any good at ice skating anyways because I would fall right on my bottom!) My brother wanted me to go ice fishing with him, but he is a crazy person and thats not gonna happen, walking on ice terrifies me completely!

Hubby and I spent some time together today just watching movies and having a blast on our harry potter marathon.. we finished deathly hallows 1 today.. we have seen them all but we havent seen them all together in ages. We love our movies.. we have like 500 dvds and it drives me crazy sometimes because when I am in the moood to watch a movie, it takes me to long to actually find a movie to watch and it gets frustrating so i end up giving up and just watching cable.

oh goodness.

well the spotting only lasted for a day, and its done now, im still a little curious about what was going on there but maybe ill never know. I would love to wake up with some signs of pregnancy, but not fake signs that you find when you are so desperate. ugh! things with paul have been okay. not as much arguing, i notice the more i talk or cry about wanting to become pregnant, the more stressed out he gets. he is not ready to face that something must obviously be wrong. i plan to talk to my new dr about it when we go next. it is really important to me and i hate to think of never being able to get pregnant. i guess its something i may have to battle on my own.

Well... today was an okay day.. but??

Well.. on the diet/lifestyle portion of my life.. I did pretty well today. I also went for a nice walk with my hubby and our pups.. even though it was cold and my face was frozen and numb.. so I dont havve a lot to say about that.. but i am a little worried about the ttc portion of my life. I am on cd 12 right now, and last night I went to the restroom before getting ready for bed and when I wiped there was pink... I wasnt sure what to think but it happened all day today to not enough to need a liner or anything because it was just when i wiped. has this happened to anyone or does anyone know what causes this? I was a little nervous and i am even more nervous that it is taking us so damn long. I guess i am just not sure what to think anymore. I guess i have already started to get my hopes up because i am hoping that this is good news.. but i am also praying to God that im not getting my hopes up once again. This has been almost four years of hell. Everyone around me getting pregnant, when they dont want the child, cant afford the child, or dont take care of the children they already have. ugh!

SOO ANNOYED

Sometimes it feels like there is problem after problem. When one thing gets better, three things get worse.. and I just dont know what to do anymore. I am trying really hard to just take a deep breath and take things one day at a time. I wish things would get easier, and I wish my husband would see what I am going through but he doesn't seem to even notice. Things will get better, thats something that I have to believe, so until then, I have to vent to my lovely blog :D oh goodness... so just bare with me people!

More drugs....

Well I did my sleep study two nights ago, and I ended up having to stay for a full 24 hours which was hell because I was so damn bored! Turns out I have a form of narcolepsy So I have to be put on stimulants during the day to stay awake and keep my energy levels at an appropriate level, which will definitely help when it comes to my weight loss because now I will have more energy to do more things! I am just not likeing how many pills I am taking ever day, right now I am taking 8 pills and add one more to that soon, oh goodness! I feel like I have to take an entire pharmacy before I can start my day. Which reminds me I completely forgot to take my pills today. oh goodness this is driving me crazy! I am just going to make sure I continue to take baby steps and work my way to a much better me! hopefully this works because I need a change.