Christmas blues

Well I was three days late, and then I AF showed her ugly face. Merry christmas to me. and then today, i accidently killed my kitten because she snuck under the rocking chair.. its been a rough day.

Nervous.. but so far nothing new

Well, AF hasn't arrived yet and I am on CD 26. AF is due in 2 days and I am sincerely hoping she doesn't show her ugly face. I am going to keep my fingers crossed but right now.. its a toss up. I have no serious signs that make me think I am pregnant, but also I have no serious signs that tell me I can't be pregnant. I am on christmas break from school and so right now I am just wondering, and waiting. If I am pregnant, my due date would be approximately August 31 2012. How awesome would that be. Ugh.. my fingers and toes are crossed, and I am hoping for the best and praying for the best.

crazy dreams

Well.. things are going great but dang I have been having some crazy dreams. I am on cd 18 so I don't think it could be actual pg symptoms, but I feel like its one of those months that my mind is playing as many tricks on me as possible. Which means if I end up getting dear AF, I am going to be more dissapointed than ever. I had a dream the other night that I had a baby boy named PJ and he was so cute and when i woke up, i just wanted to go back to bed because my dreamed seemed better than reality. I hate when that happens. Nothing else has really been going on worth mentioning. I have lost a total of eleven pounds and seem to be slipping up more than before because of the dang christmas cookies my mom and aunt have sitting on their counter all of the time. AF is expected to arrive in 9 days and I keep praying she doesnt... we shall see :(

Chilly out!

Well it is truly hard to believe that it is December 8th already because there is still no snow on the ground! I don't even know what to think. They flooded the ice rinks in town yesterday but ice skating just doesn't feel the same without any snow! (not that I would be any good at ice skating anyways because I would fall right on my bottom!) My brother wanted me to go ice fishing with him, but he is a crazy person and thats not gonna happen, walking on ice terrifies me completely!

Hubby and I spent some time together today just watching movies and having a blast on our harry potter marathon.. we finished deathly hallows 1 today.. we have seen them all but we havent seen them all together in ages. We love our movies.. we have like 500 dvds and it drives me crazy sometimes because when I am in the moood to watch a movie, it takes me to long to actually find a movie to watch and it gets frustrating so i end up giving up and just watching cable.

oh goodness.

well the spotting only lasted for a day, and its done now, im still a little curious about what was going on there but maybe ill never know. I would love to wake up with some signs of pregnancy, but not fake signs that you find when you are so desperate. ugh! things with paul have been okay. not as much arguing, i notice the more i talk or cry about wanting to become pregnant, the more stressed out he gets. he is not ready to face that something must obviously be wrong. i plan to talk to my new dr about it when we go next. it is really important to me and i hate to think of never being able to get pregnant. i guess its something i may have to battle on my own.

Well... today was an okay day.. but??

Well.. on the diet/lifestyle portion of my life.. I did pretty well today. I also went for a nice walk with my hubby and our pups.. even though it was cold and my face was frozen and numb.. so I dont havve a lot to say about that.. but i am a little worried about the ttc portion of my life. I am on cd 12 right now, and last night I went to the restroom before getting ready for bed and when I wiped there was pink... I wasnt sure what to think but it happened all day today to not enough to need a liner or anything because it was just when i wiped. has this happened to anyone or does anyone know what causes this? I was a little nervous and i am even more nervous that it is taking us so damn long. I guess i am just not sure what to think anymore. I guess i have already started to get my hopes up because i am hoping that this is good news.. but i am also praying to God that im not getting my hopes up once again. This has been almost four years of hell. Everyone around me getting pregnant, when they dont want the child, cant afford the child, or dont take care of the children they already have. ugh!

SOO ANNOYED

Sometimes it feels like there is problem after problem. When one thing gets better, three things get worse.. and I just dont know what to do anymore. I am trying really hard to just take a deep breath and take things one day at a time. I wish things would get easier, and I wish my husband would see what I am going through but he doesn't seem to even notice. Things will get better, thats something that I have to believe, so until then, I have to vent to my lovely blog :D oh goodness... so just bare with me people!

More drugs....

Well I did my sleep study two nights ago, and I ended up having to stay for a full 24 hours which was hell because I was so damn bored! Turns out I have a form of narcolepsy So I have to be put on stimulants during the day to stay awake and keep my energy levels at an appropriate level, which will definitely help when it comes to my weight loss because now I will have more energy to do more things! I am just not likeing how many pills I am taking ever day, right now I am taking 8 pills and add one more to that soon, oh goodness! I feel like I have to take an entire pharmacy before I can start my day. Which reminds me I completely forgot to take my pills today. oh goodness this is driving me crazy! I am just going to make sure I continue to take baby steps and work my way to a much better me! hopefully this works because I need a change.

Thanksgiving blues!

Well do much for diet and excercise the last couple of days! To be honest, I haven't done a horrible job with my eating, but excercise, well lets just say I don't want to talk about it right now! haha! I got my period (TMI i know) but it makes me so lazy! I get cramps so bad and I just don't want to move and I want to be lazy for four days! So thats where I have been with that! I have a sleep study to do on tuesday night and I am so not looking forward to it. I don't want to go and I am really nervous because I am not very comfortable with the idea of sleeping in the basement of the clinic and have people watching me. creeepy! I haven't posted any pictures because I actually didn't take any picturs on thanksgiving.. whoops. I did however go to walmart on black friday, that was pretty interesting! I didn't get much because I wasn't really needing anything and I wasn't really planning on any big purchases so I just got myself a couple dvds. I basically go to do a little bit of people watching because some people go crazy! well.. im not in the greatest mood today.. you know, pmsing and all.. so ill get back tomorrow :D

UGH! ARE YOU KIDDING ME???

So maybe starting this new diet and excercise thing wasn't the smartest thing to do right before thanksgiving haha we have so many pies and sweets and yummy food filling the house and it is all soo tempting! Today went well though, I worked a little on my book, took the dogs for a walk and went and picked up my meds. On the 29th I have a sleep study I have to go to, so we shall see how that goes.. for now though I am going to go work on some homework and then get some rest! I will post some thanksgiving pictures tomorrw night :D

A very late epiphany!

So.. I was reading through some weight loss goals.. and I read one mans success story saying how he tried diet after diet but he was making sure huge adjustments that he wasn't used to and it was too sudden that he wasn't dedicated to turn it into a lifestyle change so the diet and excercise plan would fail. This makes me realize something... I need to figure out what I can do to change TODAY to take a step forward to a healthier lifestyle. I need to make choices as they come, and not plan for next month and next year. So here goes.. Tomorrow is going to be a new day. Right now I am not used to doing a lot so I am going to take it a ittle bit at a time and see how things work. My body is extremely low on b12 so I have been taking supplements. I just went shopping for clothes to inspire me and I still have my "skinny" clothes in my closet that constantly inspire me to lose weight and get healthy and tomorrow is day number one!

I am going to start by setting my alarm. This doesn't sound like much, but I can no longer sleep in until noon. I plan to wake up no later than 9am. I am going to take my dog for a walk, I am only planning on a 15 minute walk because, if I over plan and fail, I am going to be severely disapointed. I am going to work on my eating habits tomorrow as well. I am going to start measuring my food intake and no more unhealthy snacking! I also would like to work on my kickboxing but that may not be tomorrow. Like I said, I am not going to over plan.. I am going to work on changing here and now.

I feel like this is a good plan, and I feel like it can work, but I can only take it one step at a time otherwise I am doomed for failure. I am sick of setting myself up for failure, so instead, I am going to succeed if it kills me ;)

Very long day....

Even though I didn't really do anything! I wake up in the morning with so many plans, but nothing seems to get accomplished. I didn't even write a single word in my book.. bummer! I did do some grocery shopping with my mom for thanksgiving because her back was killing her. When we got home, I had Paul help pop my back because it was bothering me! I am pretty excited for thanksgiving. I am hoping that soon I have even more to be thankful for! Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for right now, I am just hoping that, very soon, a child is among those things. I am finding my facebook to be extremely distracting throughout my day. Today, I woke up at about 6:50 am and did the dishes and cleaned the living room because I was bored, then around 8 I was bored so I crawled back into bed with Paul but woke up with a headache. I had some coffee and watched Cars and then went grocery shopping with my mom, came home, monkeyed around on facebook and right now I am sitting in bed.. wondering where my day went, I didn't really do anything, and the day seemed to drag on for forever.. I guess I need to start making myself a to do list and trying to accomplish more of the items on that list throughout the day. I didn't get a work out in.. a walk, nothing. Just a little bit of shopping!. Ugh something needs to change.. I am getting too dang depressed about everything and anything that happens throughout the day. We shall see how things go tomorrow.

Getting to know me, and why I need this blog

Well, let me start by saying, I have tried using a blog, probably four times now, and I just cant seem to keep it going. I need it though because I am about to go insane! I have my darling husband but something he just doesn't seem to understand some of the things that I am stressing about.. such as, getting to a much healthier weight, and trying to get pregnant. I am not entirely sure why I haven't been able to get pregnant but I am really stressing out and I am starting to wonder why everyone around me is getting pregnant at the drop of a dime. Thats why im here, to vent, and cry and scream and throw a fit and just talk and discuss and review, and whatever else could possibly be on my mind! I am not sure how the "follower" thing works but I plan on being quite active with this blog and I hope to meet some amazing people, maybe even in the same boat that I am in, kind of like moral support from wherever ;)

My husband and I got married April 25, 2008 and we really want children. Before I married him, I didn't want children at all, and now it consumes me. We have two dogs and one cat, and we treat them like they are out children, but thats not the same obviously. I am unemployed right now, and currently looking for work because I am not sure how much longer I can do this non working thing because I am getting bored out of my mind. I want to lose a lot of weight and be comfortable with myself as well as look good and be healthy. I have quite the journey ahead of me and hopefully I meet some new people and get to hear their stories along the way!